Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed Read online

  PICKLES

  THE

  PARROT

  SPEAKS

  On

  Life, The Universe,

  And Sesame Seed

  Georgi Abbott

  Copyright 2011 Georgi Abbott

  Smashwords Edition

  This book is dedicated to

  All Pickles’ Facebook® Friends

  Thanks for all the fun!

  Cover Design by

  Tamberlee King

  Thank you so much for all your hard work,

  Creativity, talent – and for putting up with me

  And all my indecision!

  ~~~~

  Also, thank you to Brian King

  For coming up with the clever

  Subtitle!

  Introduction

  It’s pretty simple actually. This book is a collection of Pickles’ Facebook® posts for the past year. For the most part, it consists of bird related thoughts (the way I interpret what Pickles might say if he were capable of expressing his opinions on life) with some off-the-wall remarks about other silly things. This is just a fun book, inspired by all his Facebook® friends who insisted I put his posts in book form.

  I thought about including all of the hilarious comments and comebacks that his friends posted but I didn’t want to offend anybody by not including them in the book and there was no way I could include everyone without making this book thousands of pages long.

  ~ I have some Facebook® friends who speak different languages and sometimes I go to their page and see a bunch of posts that I don't understand, like French or something. So I just start typing a response in pretend French, like I know what they're talking about and like I know what I'm saying. I think they appreciate that - either that, or they think I’m having a stroke. ~

  ~ You know what it is that I hate the most? It's not broccoli and it's not bananas. No, wait. It is broccoli. I got mixed up. ~

  ~ Mom asked me if I wanted a snack and I said "Like what?" and she said, "I dunno, what do you want?" I said "How about a lizard?" and she said "What do you mean, a lizard?" I said "I dunno, you started this." ~

  ~ They say, making mistakes simply means you are learning faster. Pretty soon I’m gonna be the smartest person in the whole wide world! ~

  ~ Dad forgot to close the door in my room before he went to work so I flat-footed it down the hall and knocked on mama's bedroom door with my beak. Boy was mom surprised, but she let me come and play under the bed covers. I left a little surprise in there, for her to roll around in tonight. ~

  ~ Walking is good for your feet and legs. Plus it makes the ground feel needed. ~

  ~ You should never ask your dog to hold your snack while you go to get a drink of water. ~

  ~ ooooo, there was a bag full of stuff under the TV and I was determined to see what was in it. The TV's next to my cage and I kept climbing down to investigate but Daddy kept yelling at me to get back up - ruining everything. But eventually, he left the room and I was able to get down and drag the bag and all the goodies all across the livingroom floor. The bag was full of dirty, poopy talon toys cuz mom's basket was full. Dad caught me and said "Pickles! ewwwww!". I looked up and said 'mmmmmm!" There's nothing wrong with poopy toys - what's his problem? ~

  ~ Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a turtle. ~

  ~ Mom told me that it's inappropriate to poop in front of guests when they are eating. I asked her "What does inappropriate mean? Can you define it?" She told me it meant improper. I said, "Can you use it in a sentence, please?" and she said, "Stop being facetious, Pickles!". So, I guess it means being sarcastic. ~

  ~ The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going. But for the parrot who knows where he's going, everybody just says "What the hell are you doing on the floor?? You get back up!!!" I know where I'm going; I just can't always get there. ~

  ~ Today I found out that when you ask your mom for a turtle and tell her you'll take care of it and won't wreck it, and she says "Do I look stupid??" it's best not to answer that. ~

  ~ My mom thinks it's weird that when I walk around on the floor, that it doesn't bother me that everybody is so tall and towering over me. She thinks it should be scary for me but it's not. I'm not ascared of tall people, only short spiders. ~

  ~ You should never under estimate a bird's ability to get into trouble. Not unless you don't need that switch to turn the table fan on ~

  ~ I think it would be really funny to go for a fly and land in a pot of chili. No wait - I think I got funny and painful mixed up. ~

  ~ As you know, I don't particularly care for flying but I do now and then. I can fly pretty good but those damn windows sometimes get me and I almost knock myself out. Mom should make me a little helmet. I wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ~

  ~ I don't quite get the concept of 'saving something for later'. I mean, if I'm in the middle of eating a yummy almond while you pass me a Sesame Snap, I HAVE to throw the almond to the floor. But when I'm finished with the Sesame Snap, I can't get the almond. Like, how do you humans eat a dinner of meat, potatoes and corn without tossing the yummy, but least important, foods away first???? Ohhhh, I'll never understand this. ~

  ~ If I went for a walk in the forest, I bet all the wild birds would tease me for walking instead of flying. But I wouldn't care. I'd say - Oh yeah? And they'd say - "Yeah!" And I still wouldn't care, I’d just keep walking until me feet got sore. ~

  ~ My navigation's a little off since the wing clip. Daddy's shoulder was my intended destination as he walked into the room but his crotch was where I crash landed. His PJ's aren't well cushioned for talons and I didn't mean to grab his nads but I don't know why he carries his baggage on the outside like that. He should tuck it in, like us birds. ~

  ~ I've been up to no good lately so daddy grounded me - he clipped my wings. I don't really mind cuz when I can fly, I get real ornery and I don't like feeling that way. It's FUN getting clipped! Daddy puts me on the back of the couch and when he snips I laugh & dance and go Woo Hoo! Cuz feathers are flying all around and I think it's funny that my feathers can fly without me! ~

  ~ If your mom's asleep, don't wake her up. Especially if you want to have fun or explore the house or something. But, if you do decide to wake her up cuz you're hungry and you can't reach the snacks? Tippy toe real quiet like and climb up the couch to the pillow and scream BORACK real loud in her ear. That's almost as fun as exploring the house. ~

  ~ Mom was taking a bath and left the door open so I took off, flew down the hall and landed in the tub. I was pretending I was a floatplane. ~

  ~ I got bored and decided to go for a walk in the house. I got half way down the hall and then I thought - I wonder if this is really half way? So I found dad's measuring tape and measured it. I wasn't half way after all but it was close enough. ~

  ~ Mom came in and caught me leaning forward, staring at my feet. She thought I’m weird but I’m not. I found that when I willed my feet to move, they did! So I willed one whole foot to rise in the air, and it did! Then I held my foot in front of my face and thought - move little toes, and they started to wiggle! So, I was just sitting there, staring at my foot in front of my face with my toes waving in slow motion thinking - OMG, I’m telekinetic! This will come in verrry handy. ~

  ~ My telekinetic powers come through for me once again! I put some pellets in my water bowl and willed them to double in size and VOILA, I doubled my food portion! I'm gonna surprise mommy and do it with her money next time. It's a sure thing. ~

  ~ Mom never buys the good,
sugary cereal that comes with a surprize in the box. She buys HUGE boxes of Cheerios, which I like, but I wanna try the other stuff and get a prize. So, just in case mom would like a surprise in her cereal now and then, I sat on that huge box and dropped a nice big one in there for her. ~

  ~ I live 238857 miles from the moon - as the crow flies, and if he's got a little oxygen tank. And I live 93 million miles from the sun - as the crow flies and if he's got heat resistant armour. Maybe crows fly there but i wouldn't. I'd use my telekinetic abilities to bring the sun & moon to me - they look pretty small so I don't think it would be too hard. ~

  ~ Remember me telling you about my telekinetic abilities? They are developing quite nicely. I can elevate birds! Yes! I find that if I stare at birds sitting in a tree long enough, they will actually take off flying. I'm still working on getting them to come back and land but the concentration involved is very hard on my brain. I just need more practice. ~

  ~ I decided to take a big leap with my telekinetic powers & tried to get mom to move her fat butt off the couch and go get me a Sesame Snap. After some major concentration, she never budged an inch but I did manage to move her eyes to look at me. For now, I will be content with small victories. ~

  ~ I realized that I didn't need to use my telekinetic powers to move mom (she's too fat for my powers), all I had to do is use my powers to make a spider run up her leg! That made her move, and HOW. But I still haven't figured out how to make her get me a Sesame Snap. ~

  ~ I got a piece of Sesame Snap today and I started wondering why it's called that so I said to it, "Snap sesame", kinda like "Open sesame". Nothing. No snap. Ali Baba I’m not but as you know, I DO have telekinetic powers so I willed my beak to chomp down on it and 'snap' it went! I am simply amazing. Later, I’m going to try my powers on my Rice Crispies. ~

  ~ I threw a tantrum. It flew across the room & hit the wall. Now it's mad. ~

  ~ Mom's always talking about good behaviour. Be good Pickles. Behave Pickles. Be a good bird Pickles. Blah blah blah. I don't think she'd know a good bird if it bit her in the nose. ~

  ~ When I lick a slug, my tongue's as slimy as my poop. ~

  ~ People don't automatically get my respect. They have to do something to earn it. Like eat a rotten egg or act like a chicken. Something respectful like that. ~

  ~ Mom asked me where Neeka The Dog was and I told her "Barkin' in the beak!" She thought I was just being silly but when she turned off the stereo to call and listen for him, she heard him barking out in the yard. I'm not just another pretty face ya know. ~

  ~ I hate selfish people. Like, when someone says "Hey, give me back my remote control" or "That's not a bird toy, give it to me" or "Get out of my dinner plate". It's like, man you people are selfish. ~

  ~ oooooo, I bit daddy really hard today. He was holding me on his hand while he talked on the phone and I wrapped my beak around his thumb and bit both sides and drew blood. Then when he set me down, I bit his wrist hard too. I was mad at the person on the other end for stealing daddy's time from me. I sure taught that person a lesson and I doubt they'll try that again. ~

  ~ I'm gonna change my attitude! I'm gonna make it wear a tacky Christmas sweater. ~

  ~ Sometimes us parrots have to be demanding. It's our nature and we want what we want. Dammit mom, if you can't understand that, trade me in for a fish. ~

  ~ Daddy went away ALL day yesterday and left me all alone with mommy. I refused to talk to mommy all day except to do that sound that shatters her eardrum. I'm used to having daddy home lately so I pouted all day. I gave up and demanded my lights off, my almond snack and to go to bed and be covered. Right after that, daddy came home but by then I was like - yeah, whatever, jerk. This morning I was really mad because I forgot I was mad and I talked to both of them. ~

  ~ Mama says I have a sick sense of humor. I need to find a thermometer to take its temperature and I will need some drugs and a hot water bottle. I must keep it warm with nice heavy blankets and feed it chicken soup. I'm very worried cuz I don't want it to die. ~

  ~ I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. (You might not wanna hang around - that b!#ch is making me type this 100 times) I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. I will not swear at mom. I damn well will not swear at mom ... ~

  ~ Mom says I have a bad attitude. Well, somebody had to take care of it. I found it on the floor, brought it home with me, fed it and now it won't leave. ~

  ~ I'm sorry I bit you mommy. I was just so excited when daddy brought me in to wake you up in bed. I ran as fast as I could from the foot of the bed to get to you & before I knew it, out of excitement, I mistook your big flabby bare arm for an obstacle. If it's any consolation, it didn't taste very good. But I must say, it's truly fascinating watching all the different colors develop on your skin - it's like a beautiful blue, black & purple rainbow. And I made it just for you. ~

  ~ Mommy, Mommy! Pickles won't let go of my ear. Pickles, let go of Neeka's ear. Pickles! Let go of his ear! All right Pickles, give me the ear. ... ~

  ~ I bit my mommy's finger today but I didn't mean to. She invited me to step up from my rope to go for a walk but I kinda lost my balance on the rope and beaked her hand trying to steady myself. I don't know why I insist on destroying my main mode of transportation. ~

  ~ When your mommy hands you a snack, don't assume her finger is a side dish. Cuz it's not. It's a food holder that drops your food on the floor when it bleeds. And then you end up going hungry. ~

  ~ I dare to dare. I dare you to dare me. I am daring. And I am strong. So strong and daring that today I managed to pick up a jar of pickles by the lid lip and flip it into the sink. Take that little pickles! They that dare to take my name! ~

  ~ Bajuice! Bajuice! I want some Bajuice! Mommy didn't understand but she grabbed my bowl and went to put some juice in it. Then she asked if I wanted some cut up banana in it. ISN'T THAT WHAT I JUST SAID??? All I did was abbreviate it so it didn't take as long to say it. Jeez. ~

  ~ I had my boings and ropes hanging between the diningroom and kitchen and set up a roadblock. Nobody was allowed into the diningroom without getting attacked in the head. When mom tried to go through, I started to attack but at the last moment, I realized she had the proper permits in order. Sesame Snaps. ~

  ~ The last think I want to do, is bite my mom. But it's still on the list. ~

  ~ Mom, if you call stomping around, flapping my wings, attacking my toys, screaming and swearing at you - a temper tantrum, then fine, be like that. You won't get anywhere in life with an attidude like that. ~

  ~ I hate getting wet in water and sitting in the sun, which means I hate 2 of the 4 elements - fire & water. That leaves earth & air and they're walking a very thin line. ~

  ~ You shouldn't jump off your perch right after taking your big morning dump. Unless you don't mind poop between your toes. ~

  ~ Playing dead works well if there's a bear around but it's also very effective when you don't want to take a bath. ~

  ~ Next time mom says I have to take a bath, I'm gonna pretend she said 'laugh' and then I'll laugh and laugh real loud and get right in to it. And then when she goes to get me to step-up for my bath, I'll say "Bath? I thought you said laugh" and she'll think it's so funny and laugh so hard that she forgets to give me a bath. ~

  ~ I decided to bite the bullet today and get a little wet in my water bowl. I'm pretty sure my feathers shrunk and now my feet look bigger. ~

  ~ If you want to make a face behind your mom's back, you have to be fast. Otherwise, they turn around real quick and you have to pretend your face is stuck like that all day and take the chance of being taken to the vet. ~

  ~ If you know someone who is an idiot, you shouldn't keep saying it in front of your parrot and expect your parrot to keep the secret when you invite the idiot over for coffee. Just sayin'. ~

  ~ Man, I hate getting wet. I barely wet my toes and beak in a bath and I hate being sprayed. Maybe I d
rowned in a previous life. Or maybe cleanliness clogged my pores and smothered me to death. ~

  ~ You should never jump in a big bowl of mashed potatoes unless you know how deep it is. ~

  ~ When I take a shower with daddy, I can't help noticing that brush with the long handle, next to the toilet. Now that’s gotta really hurt the old skin. ~

  ~ Mommy won't get naked in front of me anymore. Not cuz of modesty - like I care what she looks like and like I care if she diets or not to get rid of that cottage cheese ass - but because I bit her nipple once when she was carrying me into the shower with her. I've never gone in the shower with her since. I don't think she takes them anymore. ~

  ~ Mom put a bowl of water on the base of my playstand and put a bunch of my talon toys in the water. She figures it will entice me to go swimming or bathe or something, but I just walk along the edge of the bowl, nab the toys and toss them to the ground. Then the dog grabs them and mom has to chase him to get them back and now she has to wash the dog germs off. Is it really worth it mom? ~

  ~ Sometimes I get a cute little bug in my water dish, like a Lady Bug, and I have to save it from drowning. I don't wanna pick it out with my beak cuz I might squarsh it, or maybe even swallow it by mistake. That's when it's handy to have tasty Cheerios around cuz it makes a great life preserver while providing a nice meal for the bug. ~

  ~ I speak in 3 voices - mom's, dad's and my own. Nobody knows who's talking to whom around here from another room. Yet, everybody answers to everybody. One day, I'm gonna call out "Hey, wanna fool around?" and see if anybody heads toward the bedroom. ~

  ~ Sometimes people say I don't know what I’m talking about. I do too! They just don't know what they're hearing about. ~